I work out bi-yearly.
JESSE: As we speak, Zombieland is the number one movie in the country. In the country.
RHETT: Correct. In the world!
JESSE: In the country.
RUBEN: We are very self-satisfied people, I will say. [laughs]
RHETT: In the solar system!
WOODY: In the whole universe.
JESSE: Right, and I got a call from my girlfriend, which is you know the uh, “The country that secretly bombed Cambodia during Vietnam has made this movie its number one movie. You should all be really proud.”
RUBEN: She is so adorable.
JESSE: “The country that invaded Guatemala and Nicaragua during the Reagan era has made this movie their number one film!”
RHETT: When I was a virginal young man, I — many years ago, when I was a virgin — I wanted to brush a girl’s hair over her ears so badly. And when I finally did, it was such a moment of tiny little courage, and it really meant a lot to me and I get so choked up every time I see you do that, Jesse, it just… it’s very personal.
JESSE: Yeah I know, it’s personal for me — I mean, I didn’t write this, but when I read that I was like, “Yes! That’s exactly — that’s exactly the thing everybody wants to do.”
RHETT: It’s just like — there’s just something very emotional about it. Anyway, I’m shutting up now.
WOODY: Did you ever get to do that?
RUBEN: He’s still waiting for that day.
JESSE: It was a hooker.
RHETT: There was a real fine line with the character of Columbus. You have to make him geeky enough that we get that he’s never gotten the girl, and yet we had to make him charismatic enough to sell to the audience that he actually could get this girl. And that all rested with Jesse and his ability to play socially awkward, but also charming and even self-confident in some strange little ways, like you rode that line and —
JESSE: It’s my bread and butter.
RHETT: — and it worked.
JESSE: This was the audition scene for, I don’t think my character, but it was for the audition scene for the girl’s character, and I remember after I had gotten cast I was involved in the auditions for all the women who were auditioning for this part. And Emma came in and just blew me out of the water, ‘cause I was improvising all day and showing you, Ruben, how funny I could be, you know I’d come up with a different thing for each actress, bring ‘em on a different PG-13 or R-rated movie or whatever that she comes up with. And then she just came in and just destroyed me. She was so funny. She made me look like an idiot.
RHETT: No. I’m sure that’s not the case. You might have thought that, but…
JESSE: She’s hysterical. I mean, she’s genuinely hysterical and she doesn’t ask you to laugh at her. You know, she’s not the kind of person that makes a joke and like, waits for you to appreciate it. She’s just really genuinely funny.
RUBEN: And without sounding super pervy, like… just seeing her in the t-shirt as opposed to her leather jacket which she wears throughout the movie, it’s like… in just a t-shirt she looks sexy which is like, really cool.
JESSE: That is super pervy.
PAUL: Yeah, that’s the four glasses of champagne talking.
RUBEN: I apologize. But like…
JESSE: [aggressive perv voice] You’re drinking that bottle of wine. I’ll tell you something, I might kill myself when I see her drinking that bottle of wine… just wanna jump in a big thing of pudding.
WOODY: Jess, did you feel yourself falling in love?
JESSE: Um, I — when I first saw the movie, I fell in love with myself. I just think I’m — I think you just get behind the character right away.
WOODY: I know you’re worried that your girlfriend’s listening to this commentary, but it’s ok, you’re human, I mean…
JESSE: Yeah! And it’s ok to love oneself.
RUBEN: There it is, ladies. Get it.
JESSE: I look like my ancestors, who uh… who were victims in World War II.
RUBEN: No! Come on.
JESSE: The one thing we share is girth.
PAUL: That shot’s gonna be on Mr. Skin in about three years.
JESSE: And I’ll probably be masturbating to it. Just by, by accident.
RHETT: And this right here, look for Charlie Chaplin right now. You see Charlie Chaplin right there? Jesse’s extraordinarily physically… funny. Well, that didn’t come out right, but…
JESSE: Especially naked. Which you’ll see in the next scene.
RUBEN: The next shot. Your topless scene.
RHETT: You could have very easily been a silent film actor.
JESSE: I uh, I’ve been told I shouldn’t speak in movies.